Seizure and Search Part Two. A Special Needs Child.

My heart wondered why I couldn’t shed a tear for a little helpless girl we had taken in. Wasn’t God’s heart bent in a unique way for one such as Lisien? Had I lost heart? Lost faith? The vision of our calling became out of focus, for me anyway. With my calling tested, I felt like I didn’t study hard enough and was destined for a failing grade.

With my hands on the pew in front of me I bowed my head, not to pray but to think and soak in some self-contempt. I don’t know if it was the cyclical stubbornness, an attitude of gritted teeth and folded arms. Often my heart would seize in church, not a Carpe’ Diem type of seizure, but a cynical, critical, paralyzing spiritual state. Spiritual warfare would be a good category, and I was in it once again. I crouched down in a mental foxhole in fear and anger, stiff bodied.

The mode of the worship music shifted into a reflective tone and I straightened up. The front of the sanctuary was under an alcove, a mini amphitheater of concave plaster twenty feet high in the middle. From its center hung a ten foot wooden cross. I stared at the iconic image of my faith and in its center was the ‘crux’ of the matter. The here and now represented by what held outstretched arms toward humanity. Eternity and transcendence as the head of Christ once raised and asked, “Why hast Thou forsaken me?”

With folded arms I whispered “Why have I forsaken Thee?”

It was then I saw something floating next to the cross. Jesus. Jesus carrying someone. The body was limp and naked. Hot tears began flowing down my face as I realized my own lifeless self, cradled in the arms of Christ just like I had carried Lisien the night before.

So many seasons I felt abandoned, by God, by humans, by my own failure. Right then I caught the grace and mercy of God in Christ. I was rescued and carried. I thought of Lisien and all the others and how many more are in need of being carried.

Lisien had another seizure a few days ago and I remembered how a seizure years ago brought me back to dependency on God and others. I don’t wish seizures on her or anyone else, but it helped me once again see how my life has seized up. I whisper a prayer…”Will you carry me Jesus?”

“I got you. I got you.”

Will you whisper with me?…

“Dear Jesus, I know you first carried a cross. Now carry me and help me to die to myself so I can live with and for others. Thank you for your promise ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ Amen.”


  1. Beautiful post, Jerry. Thank you.

  2. Cindy pace says:

    I really enjoyed your post, más por favor!

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